As I have been sharing more and more about relational disappointment, I thought it might be helpful to take a step back and try to answer the question, “Why do I experience disappointment in relationships?” The easiest answer is that some of what we experience here on this earth we’ll never be able to fully understand. That can be hard for so many of us that want all of the answers…believe me, I get it. As I have journeyed with more and more people experiencing hurt and pain, there is a part of me that has been able to give up the need to know the full answer to everything. There is freedom in letting that go, accepting circumstances as they are, and taking a look at the best possible way for me to walk through them.
That being said, there are a few reasons that come to mind that might help explain why we experience disappointment:
- My faith beliefs tell me that we live in a broken, fallen world where human beings have free will. This sort of goes back to what I shared in the opening paragraph, but a majority of what we experience is due to sin entering the world.
- Sometimes we look to other people to give us our worth and value or affirm our worth and value. It might require some personal reflection and asking yourself where you see this in your relationships. Most of us do it to some degree. I see it, and experience it a lot in marriage and other family relationships. This could also be true of a close friendship or authority figure like a boss or pastor.
- Tied to the previous thought, we tend to place weight on relationships they were never meant to hold. I always think about the line from the Jerry Mcguire movie, “You complete me.” Some of our disappointment comes from the fact that we are looking to someone else (this is usually in a very close, intimate relationship) to fulfill us completely. Relationships, like marriage, were never created to “complete” us or give us everything we need. There is fulfillment that comes from relationships, but they should not be the only place we look to meet our needs.
- Other times we may have expectations, or standards, for a relationship that are too high or unrealistic. When we can enter a relationship with realistic expectations, and evaluate what the other person is capable of giving, we are less likely to be disappointed. We can have ideas in our heads of what certain relationships mean…a mom does “x,” a partner does “y,” a best friend does “”z.” But depending on the person, their past experiences, and their personality, they may not fit into our nice, neat little boxes of expectations.
- Where are my Enneagram 1’s?? Or anyone that is a black and white thinker? Another reason we can find ourselves disappointed is we think our way is the right way, or the only way. I can have these tendencies at times, and as I have grown over the years, there is so much less stress in my life when I can hold to the belief that there are many ways of looking at things and a variety of ways to do things “right.” A great question to ask yourself: “How might someone else see this?”
- In addition, there might be something going on with the other person that we know nothing about. This helps to build compassion for the person that has disappointed us, or let us down. Think about all of the things you have been through that others don’t know about. How many times do exhibit anger, for instance, because of stress that has nothing to do with the person we take it out on? If you find yourself disappointed by someone, take a step back, say a prayer for them and maybe even reach out and ask if they need a listening ear.
There are so many layers to relationship disappointment. I hope this blog series on the topic has been helpful. Let us know if you have any thoughts or questions.
Other blog posts on this topic:
Relational Disappointment
How to Love Someone Who Disappoints You
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