A common struggle among those I work with is people-pleasing. They spend a lot of their lives trying to keep those around them “happy.” These constant people-pleasing behaviors leave them feeling exhausted, anxious, bitter, resentful, frustrated, and lonely among other things. On the flip side, as a Christian, I know God calls me to “Love God and Love others.” So how does that fit in with all of this?
Thinking through that question along with all of the conversations with my clients around this topic, I took some time to go to a few resources to answer that question for myself. Please note, you may come to a different conclusion for you and that’s okay. I am sharing this in hopes that it helps you to think about how this shows up for you in your life and what might be some healthy alterations you may need to make.
Resources on people pleasing and loving others
There are many resources out there on this topic. The ones I used for this were:
- Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend
- The Life Coach School podcast episode #321 (I want to note here, I did not agree with everything said in this podcast. It was actually this podcast which was recommended by a client, that got me to do further research. She said some very helpful things and really got me thinking deeper.)
- She Works His Way (This is a private membership community, so I am unable to directly link to the class I listened to. It was on people-pleasing by Somer Phoebus.)
- The Bible
Many of the ideas shared below are directly linked back to what I learned through these resources. They are summarized ideas/concepts and not direct quotes.
What is the difference between people-pleasing and love?
The answer to this question is what I was ultimately searching for, so I made a chart below to accumulate the differences between the two.
| People pleasing | Loving others |
| “Loving others” at expense of self | Aligns with personal values |
| Lying in order to “love” | From a place of truth (to self and others) |
| Feels good at the moment, but leads to resentment | Brings a sense of long-term joy |
| Done out of obligation or guilt | Sacrifice self by choice or conviction |
| Lose sense of self | Letting the other person be who they are |
| May look like love from the outside | Feels like love to both giver and receiver |
| Staying in unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationships | Putting up boundaries when necessary and knowing even those boundaries can be loving |
| Feels easier | Done willingly |
| Can come with expectations | No one has to do anything |
| Listening to others voices to direct you | Listening to the voice of God to direct you |
| Worrying about what others think as a driving force for your behavior | Worrying about what God thinks as a driving force for your behavior |
| Fear of rejection | Knowing your true identity |
Examining your heart posture
From what kind of heart are you loving and serving others? When listening to the She Works His Way class teaching, Somer encouraged the listeners to ask the following questions:
- Who do I serve?
- What’s my motive?
- What is my goal?
- Where is my devotion/priority?
If the answers to these questions do not align with your values, it might be time to work on your heart posture toward other people.
In addition, if you feel some of those emotions I mentioned in the first paragraph, maybe it’s time to do an inventory of your relationships. Write down some of the most important, close relationships in your life, both healthy and unhealthy. Look at this chart and see where it fits. Now, if you notice it is more in the people-pleasing category, investigate that. Why? Pressures from the other person? Listening too closely to “should” statements? Not the right heart posture on your end? Toxic relationship?
This is hard work. If you need help, contact us to work with a trusted counselor that can guide you through this work.
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About the author
Nicole Fryling, MA, LPC counsels women who feel anxious, overwhelmed and stuck, and want to be empowered to create peace, joy and fulfillment in their lives. She does this by blending together proven psychological tools and techniques with the therapeutic framework Scripture provides. Of all of the hats Nicole wears (wife, mother, counselor, business owner), Nicole’s favorite is her beach hat! If you’re ready to learn to thrive rather than just survive, contact Nicole today for support at nicole@restorativecc.com
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