Hands shaking…sweating…anxious…constantly aware of how others are perceiving me…trying to control situations between friends…this was middle school for me. When I think about the epitome of low self-confidence, I think of this time in my life. And honestly, from that point until probably my 20’s, I lacked confidence. I don’t know if others would perceive it that way, but like so many girls growing up, I was trying to find my place and figure out who I was within the world.
Defining Self-confidence
How do you define self-confidence? I will share my working definition shortly, but I want to ask you some questions to get you thinking about self-confidence actually is and is not. Definitions may vary between all of us as well.
- How do you know when you are feeling confident?
- Think of a time/moment you felt confident, what were you doing?
- What do you do when you are confident?
- How do you feel when you are lacking confidence?
- What do you do/not do when you are lacking confidence?
- How do you know when someone else is confident?
Important things to keep in mind
Take time to define self-confidence for yourself and review the questions above. There are also a few important things to keep in mind:
- This is your own self-assessment, no one else’s.
- No one else (besides your Creator) gets to define you.
- No one quality defines us. (this goes for both strengths and growth areas)
- When we do this, it allows a skewed perspective of ourselves.
- Perfection doesn’t exist. If you need to be “perfect” in order to be confident, perhaps take some time to do some work around perfectionism.
- Think about what challenges you have faced in your life, what resources and qualities did you tap into to work through that challenge.
- It’s okay to make mistakes, it doesn’t mean you are a mistake.
My definition of self-confidence
Self-confidence comes from…
…feeling energized, settled, relaxed and rested…
…when we access our internal resources, identify our character traits and spiritual gifts, live out of who we were created to be, know who we are in Christ…
…and use this to encourage others and pursue a joy-filled life.
How to build your self-confidence
Let’s take a closer look at each of the three areas of my definition. First, how do you currently feel? When you answered the question of how you feel when you are confident, are you currently experiencing those emotions in your life on a regular basis? If not, what is getting in your way? What can you own? Where do you need to make a change?
Secondly, how well do you know yourself? Do you know your resources, your abilities/gifts, your core values? If you are a Christ follower, do you know what He actually says about you…about how He created you?
Lastly, are you using all of the above to serve and encourage others? These are the times when we tend to feel most alive, most purposed. This can be so many things. It can be outwardly through our jobs, our volunteer work, our conversations, our family. But it can also be in quieter ways like prayer, writing, and subtle ways of reaching out and support. In addition, are you taking time to be filled up as well? When do you feel the most joyful?
Take this all step by step. Your confidence and esteem are not going to grow after reading one blog. Share your journey with a friend or trusted professional. Depending on your level of confidence, it can take going back into your story to examine how you got to where you are at today. Sometimes we need to replace a destructive voice with a voice builds us up. (Read my blog about self-compassion to do inner critic work).
Still struggling with self-confidence?
This is one of the areas that many of my clients struggle and get stuck. If you need help walking through this topic in a more detailed, sensitive way, please reach out and contact us. It would be our joy to journey with you in your self-discovery.
About the author
Nicole Fryling, MA, LLPC is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Michigan and a graduate of Grand Rapids Theological Seminary. She finds energy in her work as a counselor when she is working with women who feel stuck and those wanting to restore hope for a better, more enriching life. She is also passionate about coming alongside those who want to incorporate their spirituality and relationship with God in their healing journey. Nicole sees clients in person in Hudsonville, MI and can also provide services online to any resident of the state of Michigan.
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