You feel drawn to help others, care for others, or pray for others, but you find yourself continuing to mentally beat yourself up for mistakes you make and things you aren’t doing. Compassion…a word I have had in my vocabulary for decades. Self-compassion…not so much. It wasn’t until the last five years or so that I really became familiar with the term and concept of self-compassion. It’s foreign to a lot of people, but more and more, it’s a topic I find myself discussing with both loved ones and clients. Now more than ever, it’s time to embrace the concept of self-compassion.
Meet your inner critic
“You will never be good enough…” “You aren’t pretty/skinny enough…” “You are such a failure…” “You always mess that up…” “There you go, making that same mistake again…” “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” Do any of these sound familiar? These might be phrases you hear from your inner critic. Your inner critic is the voice that draws your attention to the things you aren’t doing or aren’t being. It’s also the voice that compares you to others. It’s the voice that mentally and emotionally beats you up repeatedly. Do you know that voice? Can you identify it?
Results of a loud inner critic
What happens over time, as the inner critic is on repeat and gets louder and louder, is you start to form limiting and false beliefs. These might be phrases like…”I am not good enough,” “I am not smart enough,” “I am not lovable,” “I can’t do anything right,” “No one likes me,” etc. I am sure you could fill in with some other statements. What statements are on repeat in your mind?
What is self-compassion and how do we foster it?
Self-compassion can involve how we talk back to the inner critic. The first step is beginning to notice your inner critic.
Begin by asking yourself the following questions:
- Where does your inner critic pop up? At work? In the mirror? In relationships?
- What are the repercussions of being so hard on yourself? Does it add to depression or anxiety?
- When something difficult arises in life and you fall under stress, where are you on the “to-do” list of people to take care of? Do you apply caring to your suffering or try to avoid it?
- When things are tough do you tend to compare yourself with others, thinking that they have it all together? Or do you have a balanced perspective, knowing that all humans struggle?
- What would the days, weeks, and months ahead be like if your stress and inner struggles were met with more understanding and caring?
These questions are from the book Uncovering Happiness by Elisha Godlstein, in which he offers some self-reflection questions to “help you gauge the strength of your self-compassion muscle.” Using the muscle analogy reminds us that we need to keep this muscle strong by exercising it. It’s not a switch you can turn on. Self-compassion takes practice.
Where do I begin?
After this reflection and getting honest with yourself about your inner critic, I usually guide people to begin offering compassion to themselves. The easiest way I have found is to ask yourself, “If a friend came to me with the same struggles I am having, what would I say to him or her?” And then say these things to yourself. We are usually much quicker to offer compassion to others than we are to ourselves. Another idea is to ask yourself “what does my body need?” or “what does my mind need?” And then offering yourself the answer. Does your body or mind need rest, fresh air, nutrition, exercise, a friend, sleep, reading a book, binge watching, time with family, a distraction, etc. You could begin here.
As a side note, in this time of COVID-19, it may also be helpful to think about “common humanity.” Everyone suffers, everyone struggles, and right now, we are all struggling with the same problem, on some level. This not only allows us to offer compassion to others, but also to ourselves. We know we aren’t alone in our suffering.
Need help working through your inner critic or applying the concept of self-compassion, contact us and let us journey with you!
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