This month, the blog has focused on discussing relationships. Let’s get real, what do we do when our relationships disappoint us? If there is one fact we can count on in life, it’s that people will disappoint us. This post is not going to have all of the answers, but the following are some questions you can ask yourself if you find yourself frequently encountering relational disappointment, along with a few tips. Let me also start by saying, I know so much hurt in our world happens in relationships. I see so many hurting people who have been hurt in relationships. I am not denying the real hurt that happens here. Stick with me to the end of this one, and check back next week for more on this topic.

The first step in these situations might be for you to check in with your emotions and investigate what they are telling you. You can read more about emotions here and how to check in with yourself here. Having self-awareness, and taking your past into consideration, you might be able to align your reaction to the hurt with a past hurt or begin to notice patterns of reactions.

Next, take a look at the following questions:

What can you own in your relationships?

Before we start pointing fingers at others, we need to look inward, take a close look at what we contribute/don’t contribute to our relationships. Unfortunately, we can’t control other people, so when it comes to dealing with disappointment, we have to first work on ourselves. Take a look at the relationship, or a specific situation, and examine if there was anything you could have handled differently.

Are you voicing your needs?

Often, we are disappointed that others are not meeting our needs in the way we think they should. Although it would be nice if we could all be mind readers, we can’t. In these times, ask yourself if you have voiced your needs. How can others meet your needs if they don’t know what they are? If you and your spouse spend very little time together, and quality time is really important to you, say something like, “Hey, I really love the time we spend together; how about we watch a movie together tonight? It would mean a lot to me!”

How do you handle conflict?

Looking at how you handle conflict and disagreement can be important as well. Are you driving people away, maybe without even realizing it? Read more from my blog on Communication Breakdown and Repairs.

Do you need to set healthy relationship boundaries?

Sometimes, it’s not us, and there is nothing we could do to help the relationship. Or, maybe the person is toxic or incapable of healthy relationships. There are also some people in life that just rub us the wrong way. These could be examples of times where we need to set healthy boundaries to limit our time with these people. If you have more relationships like this than not, it might be time to examine who you are choosing to spend time with, or explore our own contributions to unhealthy relationships.

Could it be possible your way is not the only way, or your expectations of them are too high or unrealistic?

Oh, this is a tough one. Part of why I love the Enneagram (read more here if you don’t know what I am talking about), is that it helped me to understand that not everyone sees the world the same way that I do. If I am disappointed in the way someone did something, or handled a situation, does it make it wrong? Was it hurtful? Was their intention harmful? Or is it just not the way I would have done it? I will leave it at that and just encourage you to reflect on this one. Read more here about grieving and dealing with unmet expectations.

Do you sense a theme in these questions?

Tips for dealing with relational disappointment

You can choose to focus on the negative or you can choose to focus on the positive, they are both choices. One tip, when you find yourself focusing on negative, think of something positive that contradicts. For example, if your husband didn’t do the dishes again, think of something else he did do that week like mow the lawn.

Build your core – In her book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, Leslie Vernick shares very helpful information on dealing with disappointment. Although the book is focused on marriage, her wise guidance can be applied to all relationships. She shares ways to build your “core.” I don’t have room to go into it all here, but below are her four ways to build your relational strength:

1. Commit to truth and reality
2. Open to growth, instruction, and feedback
3. Responsible for myself and Respectful toward others without dishonoring myself
4. Empathic and compassionate toward others without enabling people to continue to abuse or disrespect me

Pray for them – If you are feeling hopeless, frustrated or discouraged, bring your feelings to God. He already knows how we feel, He can handle it. Remember, His son Jesus, who came in human form, dealt with disappointment all the time. Praying is also a way to take the focus off of our own pain and build compassion toward others.  

Concluding thoughts on relational disappointment

I know some of this may seem a little harsh. I am not trying to negate your disappointments, feelings or experiences. However, the reality is, we can’t change other people, so if we want change in our relationships, we have to either change ourselves, or accept the fact that the other person may never change.

*Please note, none of this is an excuse for abuse. If you suspect that you are in a destructive or abusive relationship, check out Leslie Vernick’s book entitled The Emotionally Destructive Marriage or contact us to talk to a professional counselor.