Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like you are not enough? Not enough for your children, your boss, your spouse, your relationships, your responsibilities? Or maybe this is more than a day, it’s a week, or a season, or a year? You might be feeling shame. As Brene Brown defines it, shame is not just “I made a mistake,” but the feeling of “I am a mistake.”
Everyone experiences shame to some degree
I was having one of those days the other day. Yes, even counselors struggle with the mental game/battle of self-talk. I felt like I was failing everyone around me. I couldn’t do enough for my kids. I was falling behind on my business to-do list. I felt like my husband deserved more. It had been a long time since I had reached out to some good friends and close family members. Dinner was leftovers…again. My house really needed cleaned. I am sure many of you can relate.
It can be so easy to get caught up in these feelings of failure, of not feeling like we are enough…of shame. I think so many of us feel this, yet so few of us talk about it. We are used to sharing our highlight reels on social media and feeling like we are the only ones that feel this way. Depending on your personality, it can also be really easy to just sit in these feelings. It’s comfortable here for some of us. For those suffering from depression, or those that naturally have a more pessimistic outlook, this is a safe zone.
The good news about shame
BUT it doesn’t have to be this way. Shame is sort of becoming the new mental health buzzword and for good reason. It’s an epidemic and so many people are suffering alone. We are more connected than ever with everything at our fingertips but studies show we are also lonelier than ever. We may have more “friends” but we have less and less deep connections with in person relationships. There is hope!!
How to stop the shame cycle
One of the main tactics shame uses is isolation. Shame wants nothing more than for us to hide away from everyone, everything, and even ourselves. The more we deal with shame, the more shameful we feel, thus perpetuating the shame cycle. So, what do we do about it? First of all, “name it to tame it.” Don’t ignore those feelings of shame. This will only intensify and prolong them. The longer we avoid something, the deeper it gets. So, when you feel shame, acknowledge its there and just make note of it. As with any other mindful practice, do not attach judgement to the feeling, just name it and move on.
The next step, as you begin to continue recognizing and naming emotion, is to intentionally pivot your mind, focus, and attention to something else. My suggestion is to use 3×5 cards or post-it notes for this. Write down a positive statement someone has told you about yourself, or an accomplishment, or personal quality or characteristic about you. If you have a hard time coming up with anything, turn to those you know and trust to share their favorite aspects of you.
This leads to the next step which is to step into community. A community in which you feel safe and are able to be vulnerable. There is something healing about sharing in community and I can almost guarantee that if you find a safe place to share, and you actually open up about your shame and vulnerabilities, you will feel better.
Now, I didn’t make all of this up. There is a lot of great information out there on the topic of shame.
A great book I recently read is The Soul of Shame by Dr. Curt Thompson. (note: this book is a heavy read and also comes at shame from a Christian perspective).
Brene Brown is a top researcher on vulnerability, and she’s so easy to listen to as well. She has two fantastic youtube videos that I have linked to below.
Don’t know where to start? Contact us to find a safe place to share your story.
You might also be interested in reading 5 Things to Consider when Choosing a Counselor to help you find the right person with which to share your story.
Watch our video on the topic of shame:
https://youtu.be/u5_cFMfuOeU
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