So, you know your relationship could benefit from couples counseling, but your spouse isn’t willing or ready? All hope is not lost! I had a client tell me the other day, “you are the only person that offers hope for my relationship.” Once someone is in a marriage, I am always hopeful that God can sustain, preserve, restore and renew the marriage. And it’s true, sometimes I am the only one holding hope for the marriage. However, in those seasons, it can feel hopeless, and it can feel like nothing will help since your partner isn’t willing to go to counseling and work on the relationship.
Practical tips of your partner is not ready for couples counseling:
- Name it. Take a deep breathe and name it for what it is. You are in a disappointing relationship and this is a hard season. There is power in naming our emotions and owning our stories. When we try to pretend like everything is okay, or avoid and suppress, we can’t face it and work on it.
- Focus on what you can control. It’s easy to focus on the fact that your partner is not willing to go to counseling. However, this is out of your control. What takes more intention is choosing to focus on what you can control. When we do this, we change our mindset and we are able to see the situation through a different lens. Remember, we can’t always control what happens to us or around us, but we get to control how we respond. Read more about how to focus on what you can control.
- Be assertive and speak your needs. This can be tough, especially if you are in a relationship that has resulted in lowered self-esteem. I encourage you to find your voice and speak your needs. Sometimes in relationships, we find bitterness and resentment growing. We think it’s from the other person not doing something we want them to do; however, we need to ask ourselves, have we asked them to? Have we spoken our needs in a healthy, non-combative, respectful way? Perhaps you have been to passive in the past. Use “I” statements. Own your requests and emotions.
- Set up boundaries. If necessary, you may need to set up boundaries. Own what you can own, and allow the other person to own what is theirs. Need help understanding boundaries and setting up boundaries, click on the highlighted words to read the corresponding blog posts.
- Love them. This is HARD. I get it. Read more on the blog about how to love someone who disappoints you.
- Be an example. Model the behavior, actions and love you desire. Warning: this will not guarantee that they will reciprocate. That being said, sometimes actions are louder than words. Maybe you have said everything you can say, or maybe walls go up when words are spoken. Try modeling what you desire in return.
- Work on yourself. We can only be the best partner if we are the best version of ourselves. Take this time of waiting as a time to work on yourself. Individual counseling for relationship issues can be helpful. Read more here to see if you are ready for counseling or about relationship counseling.
- Do not gossip. It’s temping to “spouse bash” or hash it out with a friend. I really advise you against doing this. There are times when speaking with an emotionally safe friend is totally necessary and helpful. Just watch out for gossiping about or tearing down your spouse. Speak life in and about your relationship. Find a friend who is willing to do the same.
- Pray! If you are a person of faith, most important in this entire list is to pray. Take it to the one source who cares more than anyone and to the one that can work on your spouse’s heart.
If you do these things, and your partner or spouse is still not ready or willing to go to couples counseling, you can at least know that you have done everything you can do. Contact us if enlisting the guidance of a professional relationship counselor would be helpful for you. Our relationship counselor would be happy to chat with you to see if individual or couples counseling would be right for you.
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