The longer I do this counseling work, the more I realize how different our human stories are, yet how similar we all are as well. One of the themes and struggles I have seen in my office so much over the last couple of years is how many women, and men, are in disappointing relationships. Why these relationships might be disappointing is a discussion for another day, but today I want to share some thoughts on how to love a disappointing person.

First of all, if you are a person of faith, I want you to remember that God sees you, and he understands. He can relate to you as God and as Jesus. How often is God disappointed? And it doesn’t take much reading of the story of Jesus to imagine the disappointment he encountered on this earth. What breaks your heart, breaks His as well.

Why do I have to be the bigger person?

Now, some of you might be thinking, “why do I have to be the bigger person?” I know it can be frustrating BUT what if it worked? What if you saw results in your relationship? Would it be worth it?

Like I mentioned in last blog post on relational disappointment, and what most of you probably already realize, we can’t change other people. While this can be frustrating, I challenge you to also see it as freeing! There is freedom in letting other’s actions be owned by them, and taking the reins on what you can control.

Ways to show love to a disappointing person:

This is not an exhaustive list and I could go into so much detail on each of these, but this should at least give you a place to start.

• Know your positive qualities and strengths. When we look to another person as our sole source of value and worth, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
• Put the relationship in the proper perspective. It is not anyone else’s job to make you happy or meet all of your needs.
• If you are a person of faith, believe who God says you are. (You may need to place visual reminders throughout your life for this to translate from head knowledge to heart knowledge).
• Open up lines of communication in order to create space for more difficult conversations. If you need help with this, see my blog post on my favorite app that aids in communication and connection.
• Once more communication is happening, be assertive and respectfully speak your needs. Examine whether you might have been too passive in the past.
• Model the behavior you want. If you want the other person to be more affectionate, be more affectionate. If you want the other person to ask you about your day, ask them about your day.
• Offer praise and affirmation when the other person does something you like, desire or enjoy. Just like with children, positive reinforcement goes a long way.
• Step outside yourself. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own heads. Serve someone else or an organization in your area.
• Be interested in what they are interested in. If your child likes funny cat videos on Instagram (I may or may not be speaking from experience) take a moment to laugh with them at some of their favorite videos. If your husband likes sports, ask him about the game or watch some of it with him.
• When you think of one of their weaknesses, immediately try and replace it with a positive. If you are unable to do this, think of a hardship they have been through. Both create compassion.
• Love the person as they are, not waiting to love a better version of who you want them to be.
• Be fully present with them. Set down distractions like your phone.
• Seek wise counsel. And by this, I do not mean gossiping with your friends!

What ways do you show love to disappointing people in your life?

If you feel overwhelmed by this idea, this list, or you just need someone to talk to further about this topic, please reach out and contact us!