Another reader blog topic request came in a while back asking about common communication breakdowns and ways to correct or repair. For this topic, I am going to turn to The Gottman Institute, one of the leading researchers on relationships. John Gottman calls the top four communication breakdowns the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He speaks about them in relation to marriage and divorce (these are the top four predictors), but I think they can also be applied to all of our relationships.
The four horsemen
Below are the four horsemen along with how to counteract, or repair the divide in the relationship caused by these interactions:
- Criticism: This is pointing out another’s flaws or imperfections in relation to their personality. Statements beginning with “you” are typically criticisms. We are all guilty of this and I bet you can think of an example from just this week when you criticized someone important to you. Examples might be: “You never help around the house,” “Why can’t you ever be on time?,” “You are so lazy,” etc.
Antidote: Using a gentle start up to the conversation. Instead of starting the conversation with a criticism, use an “I” statement. Ex: “I could use your help with the dishes tonight since we both have been gone all day.” “I feel overwhelmed at prepping for dinner when I don’t know what time you will be home. Could you please call me before you leave the office?” “I feel burdened by extra responsibilities around the house. Could we sit down and come up with a to do list for each of us to tackle this project?”
- Defensiveness: Using this interaction is a way for us to protect ourselves. Many times, this is the response to criticism. This can be so automatic and many times we don’t even hear what the other party is saying.
Antidote: Trying to accept responsibility for at least part of the problem. Trying to see it from the other person’s perspective can be helpful. Asking yourself what you can own in the situation? We can’t control others, but we can control how we respond.
- Contempt: Similar to criticism, contempt takes it to another level. This is putting someone down as if you are better than them. Someone might use to tactic to feel superior to their partner. **This is the highest predictor or divorce or divide in a relationship.** Examples might include statements that project you are smarter, better, kinder, more successful, etc, than the other person. These statements really sink to the core of your loved one and make them feel inferior.
Antidote: Focus on describing your
own feelings and needs. Also, creating a culture of appreciation. When we are
focusing on what is wrong with the
other person, we are not looking at our own contributions or what is right with the other person. Switching our
mindset is key here.
- Stonewalling: In these instances, the listener mentally/emotionally withdraws altogether from the conversation/interaction but they are still physically present. Again, this can be a protection action in order to guard against hurt feelings and strong emotions. In doing so however, this can be very hurtful to the other person when they are not being heard or listened to.
Antidote: Self-soothing and staying connected in the interaction. This may take some personal work (or therapy) to learn self-soothing techniques. It’s also a decision to stay connected despite strong feelings arising.
All of us have probably been guilty of each of these at one point, or many times, in our lives. Awareness is the first step. Now you are aware of these common communication breakdowns and as you go through interactions in your relationships you can start to become aware of when and how you use these tactics. The next step is to slow down in your communication and make a decision to choose a different response.
Relationships are hard; they are messy. Taking responsibility for what you can own and control is the first step to better communication!
Click here to learn more about The Gottman Institute.
Recent Comments